Unconventional Methods of Birth Control

[Note: The mutual masturbation article has been postponed for further research. -ed]

In any long term, heterosexual, physical relationship, at some point the topic of birth control must enter the equation. After all, we cannot just continue the unchecked birthing of children, or otherwise the Mormons win. (Fuck the Mormons.*) That being said, unfortunately many common methods of birth control are unavailable to otherwise willing couples due to physiological, psychological, or paleontological reasons. Dinosaur sex aside, it is situations such as these that require the non-linear, out-of-the-box thinking that can only come from poorly written blogs. Let us begin...

Taco Bell(R) Mild Sauce Packet Prophylactic
Condoms, wonderful things that they are (Fuck the mormons), are typically made of latex, which can cause severe allergic reactions in certain people. Forgetting for a moment that they make specialty condoms out of non-allergenic materials, an obvious solution is a used Taco Bell(R) Mild Sauce Packet. You may not have considered applications for these amazing little inventions beyond their popular capacity as very small umbrellas, but it turns out these make excellent prophylactics for the budget conscious couple with sensitive skin. Simply cut one end off an insert your manhood into the space inside. In the unlikely event that your cock exceeds the 1.23in limit, you can always accommodate more with the liberal application of scissors, tape, and non-euclidean geometry. (Fuck the mormons.) Besides their quite obvious capacity as a physical barrier, the Taco Bell(R) Mild Sauce has indisputable spermicidal qualities. It has to, considering the staggering amount of jizz found in or on your typical Taco Bell(R) value meal. (What, you thought it was sour cream?) Furthermore, the serrated edges make intercourse excruciatingly painful, discouraging sex and further inhibiting the inadvertent spawning of child processes. It can't be stressed enough the importance of Mild Sauce for this application. Hot or Fire sauce can eat away at the lining of the vagina (and possibly your very soul). Plus, they're not really that spicy anyway so you just look like a bitch when you ask for them. At least with mild sauce you're acknowledging your failure as a human being. You worthless cunt.

Wacky Glue Diaphragm
Diaphragms are a notoriously difficult method of birth control. It's expensive to begin with, and it has to be custom fitted by a licensed medical doctor, which means that some other dude or chick is totally looking at your girlfriend's vag. No self respecting man will stand for that, unless it's as part of a mutually agreed-upon threesome. If you can organize that with the doctor, then why the hell are you even reading this? Fortunately, there's an easy and affordable alternative. Wacky Glue can be obtained at most arts and craft stores. Just shove the tip into your girlfriend's cervix and squeeze a generous amount into it. It will set and harden into a rubbery substance in 30 seconds according to the bottle. This will prevent any sperm from entering the inner sanctum to do its filthy, baby-making work. As a side benefit, it also prevents blood from leaking out during periods, saving a fortune on tampons and pads. Don't worry, the body will totally reabsorb that shit.

Miniature Straw Hat with Chin Strap
Small buttons can't hear you when you touch the color purple with your festering sadness and the feces of your inner mind. Your forks are made of fail and Chuck Norris with extra cuckold. Trees are made of concrete that has been boiled in onion rings full of sheep. Understanding the fail is the first step toward acceptance of Raptor Jesus rule. When your umbrellas are ready paint the future techno you can't hide from the fragments of misaligned blades.

We hope you have learned something useful from this article. If not, please write your complaint on a little piece of paper, fold it up, and stick it up your ass. Join us next week for an exciting article on mutual masturbation!

* No, seriously. Fuck the Mormons.